Hey Jude (You're Two!) (On Being a Mom of a Boy)

 

So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin, You’re waiting for someone to perform with. And don't you know that it's just you, hey Jude, you'll do, The movement you need is on your shoulder. – The Beatles

 Hey Jude,

Two years and two months ago, you were born. I wasn’t sure how I would do as your mom. You, being a boy, intimidated me. In fact, when I found out you were going to be male, I cried. I wasn’t sure I could parent you the right way. But, God gave me you and I am so blessed by it!

You have amazed me in all things that you do. We have had a rough couple of years, you and me. Not because you aren’t perfect in every way but because there is sin and evil in the world, and so there has been some sickness. It’s gotten in  the way of your growing sometimes, but it hasn’t gotten in the way of your strength. With each test you took , each new medicine you had to try, you took it all in stride. Smiling and laughing all the way. It’s not been easy for me, but for you, you’ve taken it with such grace that you’ve already taught me, not just how to be a better mom, but how to be a better person.

Thankfully, God has redeemed your illness (I don’t even want to call it that, because you, my son, you are not ill!). Once we knew what was wrong, we took you to church, had our community pray over you, and you have been on the path to healing ever since! In the past three months I have seen you develop and grow by leaps and bounds. There are so many wonderful  things that you can do now, every single  day you come up with something new. Gosh – I’m so proud of you.

Let me tell you of just a few things you do that make me so in awe of you, and your little toddler self. You  have said  my name for a long time now, but I don’t get tired of hearing it. Even when you repeat it, over and over and over again … Mama … Mama … I still love it. I want to answer it, I don’ t want you to ever think that I will not answer. I like that you are putting words together now … funny words like “Hot Chip,” and words that melt my heart, like “Mama, help Jude.”

You love music. You recently danced to the sound of the printer printing …When you sing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,” I adore it. We’ve taught you to sing “Hey Jude,” and “Barbara Ann,” and you soak it all up. When I take you to worship, you dance, clap, raise your hands to the songs as your soul already worships a God you haven’t yet “formally” met but somehow you seem to know God better than I do!

At night, you put your hands together for prayer, sometimes I can get you to say “God.”  I’m trying to teach you that prayer is a constant thing. We pray before meals and bedtime, but we also do short prayers in the car when we hear of a friend who is hurting.

There is something you should know and I think should apologize to you for, Jude. I use you as sermon illustrations. You see, it’s not that I want to use you to get a point across, but it’s that you teach me so much about who God is. Being your mom makes me learn about God as my parent. About God and sacrifice. About God and miracles.

Because you, my sweet boy, are a miracle. Everything little thing you do shows me the glory of who God is. I could go on and on about who you are, but one day you will read this and probably be embarrassed. Please don’t be. Because you are completely and totally amazing.

My dear Jude, you were born a boy, two years ago, but  you will one day grow to be a man. And it will be far too soon for my liking. I know that God is planning to use you in mighty and awesome ways. I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect child. Thank you  for being my kid and teaching me how to be your mom. 

Love, 

Your Mama

Don't Let Me Down (On Babywearing)

Jude @ 3 Months in Charlotte, NC 2010.

I'm in love for the first time. Don't you know it's gonna last. It's a love that lasts forever, It's a love that has no past. Don't let me down, don't let me down. 
-- Don't Let Me Down, The Beatles

I had no idea before I met you how much of a "crunchy" Mom I'd be. Before I knew you were on the way I knew nothing of slings and cloth diapers and breastfeeding. I just knew that I couldn't wait to be your Mom.

But, the minute I saw you I knew I couldn't put you down. So, when Dr. Sears said, "Wear your Baby," I decided that I wanted to do just that. I got a bright orange Moby Wrap and learned how to manipulate the fabric so that I could hold you close. Fittingly enough it was called the "kangaroo hold" and it made a little pouch for your sweet little bottom to snuggle into. It was so special.

And, as you grew, I realized that I loved having you close at hand while I worked from home (or in the office) and I learned how to move you around so that if you were hungry I could nurse you and still get things done as a full-time mom and a full-time working mom. I bought a couple other carriers, the ring sling, a front-carrier, all to carry you around!

Mom & Jude @ Disney World 2011

Jude and Dad @ Uptown Charlotte, 2011

Jude's Dad and I both learned that taking a baby carrier to the theme parks was a lot easier for standing in line than the stroller, so we would wear you around Disney World and Seaworld and Universal, you became a theme park world traveler.

Then you got bigger, and I didn't know what to do. I researched, do I have to let you down now? But, I found a carrier called the Ergo that goes up to 45 lbs and I thought, well, why not try it out. And you still LOVE it. I didn't know how you would feel riding around on my back as we walked along the streets of downtown on vacation, but I knew you were loving it when I turned you around and you fell right asleep!

Uptown Charlotte 2011

I love wearing you around and I'm going to be really sad when the day finally comes that you want to be even more independent and don't want Mommy to hold you close.

But, till that day comes, I've got you wrapped up in my arms for as long as I can and for now, my sweet Jude, I won't let you down.

Same spot as last year on vacation in Charlotte. My how you have changed!

Golden Slumbers (On God & Jude @ 15 Months)

Golden slumbers fill your eyes. Smiles awake you when you rise. Sleep pretty darling do not cry. And I will sing a lullabye. — Golden Slumbers, The Beatles

My child does not sleep. He’s a sweet little 15-month-old who thinks sleeping through the night is for wimps. In fact, in his little mind, it’s not even necessary.

I have read every book, asked seasoned parents, and even thought about just letting him cry-it-out, alone in his room, but nothing seems to work. Our bedtime routine happens like this: Dinner time at 5:30, it’s usually something yummy like green beans with turkey or mashed potatoes with ham, followed by a tall glass of milk and maybe some yogurt for dessert. After filling his cute little tummy, it’s on to bath time where we sink a thousand rubber duckys into a pool of bubbles while dumping cups of water out of the tub onto the tile. Then it’s off to the nursery where we read “Goodnight Moon,” sing a special lullaby, and begin the rocking to sleep.

Now, all the parenting experts tell me that if I follow a steady routine, if we keep everything the same, then my little angel will slowly close his eyes and I’ll be able to lay him down in his crib, drowsy, but not asleep, and he will roll over and nod off on his own. From this point, I should expect him to sleep 10-12 hours while I go curl up on the couch with a good book and just relax.

What really happens? Well, I sit down in the rocking chair at about 6:30 (with hopes of drooping eyes by 7) and at first I enjoy the time together. I rock him and I whisper in his ear how much I love him. I pray over him and thank God for him and ask continuous blessings over his life. But then, 8:30 rolls around and I’m still rocking him … and I start to ask myself, what have I done wrong? He doesn’t really cry that much, he just stares up at me with those big blue eyes and I wonder … WILL THIS CHILD EVER FALL ASLEEP? I start to get impatient, I start to worry that he’s never going to sleep— Well, let’s be honest here — I get annoyed!

That’s right, I said it. I get annoyed at this sweet little angel who just stares at me, fighting sleep with every ounce of his small body, and I can tell he’s completely exhausted! Sleep is what he needs to do, but at this point he can’t figure out how to get it right. So, then I feel guilty. I think, how can I be mad at this kid? He’s not putting off sleep on purpose, it just not natural for him to fall asleep when there is so much around him to keep him distracted. The world is too exciting, and who wants to close their eyes when they think there might be something better out there than what Mommy has planned for the night! It’s at this point that I start to relax again and snuggle him close. And usually, just like that, he drifts off to sleep and I honestly feel like I could hold him forever.

What’s interesting is that now, as a parent, God is using my son to teach me about God’s love for me. God only wants one thing from me, for me to love God and to love others as I love myself. And I try. But the world, it’s out there … and there is so much to pull me away. So many things that I think is better than spending time with God, so much so that I don’t want to do what God has planned for me.

My God, my provider, makes sure I’m well-fed and taken care of … but still, there I am, starring back up at God, fighting mad, because things are not going the way that I want. At the end of the day I have failed at doing what God wants me to do. I’ve become exhausted by my sin, my fears, my doubts, and I don’t know how to get back to where I’m supposed to be.

But, God … he can’t be mad at me. God doesn’t leave me alone, or walk away and let me cry it out for a minute. He stays in the room, just like I do with my son. God rocks me slowly back and forth through the quiet words of scripture, sings me soft lullabies through songs that glorify his name, and reminds me, as I do my son, that I am loved. In the stillness, God lays me down carefully, as I do my dear Jude Wesley, and offers the weary … rest. And it’s in that quiet moment that I feel God release me from my sin, through grace, and I can finally relax. I can sleep … knowing that God will hold me forever.

* The photo above was taken when Jude was about 4 months old ... back when I dared sneak into his room when he was sleeping! : ) Here's a recent 15-Month-old photo of my wide-eyed boy!

Don't Ever Change (or Jude at 14 Months)

So, please, don't ever change -- No, don't you ever change -- Just, promise me you're always gonna be -- As sweet as you are -- I love you when you're happy -- I love you when you're blue -- I love you when you're mad at me -- So how can I get tired of you? — Don't Ever Change, The Beatles

Today is my birthday. No, I didn't get around to writing about how special my baby boy is on his first birthday, but it's after midnight on what is now, my 29th birthday, and I couldn't be happier when it comes to being a mommy to my perfect little Jude.

The other night, as Jude's Dad and I were putting him to bed, Dad said, "Don't ever change," and I said, "Yes son, please be like we used to write in our high school yearbooks, 'Stay sweet, don't ever change.'" Although I'm glad I've changed since I penned those words in the blank pages of my peers annuals, I have to say that I really do wish that Jude wouldn't change at all.

But, he's already changed so much. He's much taller now and he has the sweetest, roundest most kissable tummy in the world. Sometimes I just grab him and kiss him all over and call myself the "kissy monster" in hopes that it's a boyish enough term that he will still let me do that when he's seven ... here's hoping.

His hair is growing long and Jude's Dad says we should cut it. It's blond as the sun is yellow with sweet tender curls resting on the nape of a adorable little neck ... I can't do it. Please let me have the sweet baby hair for just a little while longer. He takes his little hairbrush and he brushes his hair, then reaches up to try to tame the mess that I call my own hair. If only that child knew how lucky he is to be a boy, that when he's 13 and the curls don't work anymore, we can cut them off and it will actually look good. Unlike poor mom, whose hair at 13 was more like a white girl's fro!

He walks with purpose now, around the room, to his toys... OH LOOK! The dog left some food out ... he doesn't try to eat it. Just picks it up and returns it to the dog's bowl. My little helper already. Sometimes he walks around and spins in circles and stops, turns to me and runs over just to lay his little head on my lap. It's intoxicating how much I love this kid! He says "MOM" and "Ad-Dad" and sometimes "Awyer" to the pup, Sawyer, and sometimes "Book" and "Banana." He laughs constantly, he is, on most days an easy-going, charming, happy, little boy.

He's still got the bluest eyes I've ever seen and the gorgeous smile to go with them. We walk around the grocery store and he waves at all the little old ladies and says "hey" to each one as we walk by. He's a social butterfly with a big personality. He's the perfect mix of myself and his dad, and I can't get enough of his sense of humor. He already plays pretend with me ... picking at non-existent stuff on the floor and putting it up to his lips just to hear me say, "what do you got?" Then he smiles and I know it was "just for fun, Mom!"

I'm so in love with this child that I can hardly see straight! I have loved spending lots of time with him this summer, and my heart breaks a little to know that I won't be able to spend as much time with him the next few weeks.

But God blessed me with a summer of Jude and Mommy time, and I am eternally grateful ... for my little boy will change, as much as I beg him not to ... but for now, I get to hold him close, brush that soft hair off his forehead and just breath in that sweet baby smell for just a little while longer.

Jude's Mickey Mouse Clubhouse 1st Birthday (A Party Blog)

"The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse ... Come inside, it's fun inside!"

No Beatles song here ... this time it's all about the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse! We celebrated Jude's Hot Diggity Dog 1st Birthday Party on May 29, 2011 and we had a fantastic time!

We did the big event in Arkansas, so that took a little planning on my part since we were all the way down in Florida, but overall I think it went over pretty well. I rented a pavillon at Lake Degray and it was simply beautiful!

I Googled many party blogs for Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and came across lots of ideas. I decided for us I wanted to do something kind of laid back but still with an overall theme. So, the first thing to decide was the food. Of course, we had to have hot dogs, but what else would work. I like the idea of alliteration for each food so we went with the foods below.


ClaraBell's Cupcakes. I'd like to tell you I made them ... but I didn't! It was Memorial Day Weekend, so I wanted to sort of tie-in the Red, White, and Blue so these cupcakes were perfect from Sam's. I just bought the Mickey Mouse Cupcake toppers to put-on them and it worked great! I also found this Mickey Mouse Cupcake stand for the win!

Donald and Daisy's Dip, nothing surprising here just some knock-off Ruffles and Ranch Dip.

I was on a Trail Mix kick anyway, so Minnie's Mix was Sam's Mountain Mix ... my favorite. :)

Martin (the husband) loves some humus and pita bread. We figured Pete would like it too ...

Yes, those are Mickey Mouse Clubs. We bought pre-made Subs at Wal-Mart and cut them in fourths. They were a huge hit!


I didn't get a good photo of the dogs, but here's one of Jude eating his first one!


Of course, it wouldn't be a party without a birthday cake! I had a lot of trouble trying to figure out what type of cake I wanted for Jude's birthday. Did we want Mickey Mouse? The Clubhouse? I sort of thought it might be kind of morbid to EAT Mickey Mouse's head and the Clubhouse was so elaborate. So, I decided that instead we would have ...


OH TOODLES! That's right, we got this great cakemaker in Arkansas to make Jude Toodles. Included was the "tools" the help Jude succeed. The Dinosaur was for his little sit & ride dino he has, the puppy was for Jude's dog Sawyer and then the learning toys are kind of self-explaining. :) I think she did an amazing job on the cake, it came out exactly how I imagined it!

Here's Jude after a few bites of his cupcake ... he wanted to know if Mommy wanted any! : )


I don't know how I didn't get a picture of it ... but inside "Goofy's Goodies" was homemade Mickey Mouse shaped Rice Crispy Treats. I'm so sad I didn't get a photo because I felt like they came out really good. The one advantage of living in Central Florida is that you know at least someone who has a lot of Disney stuff. Luckily it was Jude's babysitter who had a cookie pan that we were able to use to mold the treats into Mickey Ears. The bags were also filled with Mickey Mouse goodies that I bought from the store ... because I only have time for so much! : )

Finally, I made water-bottle labels and I'm attaching them here as well. Word of advice, don't use the sticker paper to adhere these ... they rub off in the water. Next time I'll use paper and packing tape. I downloaded the fonts for free and I also used the ears font to make the banner shown above for Jude's name.



Overall, I was was very please on how the party turned out. Jude had so much fun and I really enjoyed putting everything together. Though, I do hope next year to have a much smaller crowd to plan for (we had 68 people at this event)!

Here's a photo of Jude from his 1st Birthday photo shoot in his Memorial day wear ... just because I think my kid is cute! :)

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY TO JUDE!

Honey Pie -- Jude @ 10 Months

"Oh honey pie my position is tragic ..." Honey Pie, The Beatles.

There are some things I just can't say out loud ...
when I can't my husband reveals my soul for me.

Click Here to read Martin's Account of Jude's Illness...

Mother Nature's Son (Jude @ 9 Months)

"Born a poor young country boy — Mother Nature's son. All day long I'm sitting singing songs for everyone. Sit beside a mountain stream — see her waters rise. Listen to the pretty sound of music as she flies. Find me in my field of grass — Mother Nature's son. Swaying daises sing a lazy song beneath the sun. Mother Nature's son."
— Mother Nature's Son, The Beatles

He's so curious, this son of mine. Busy, busy, busy as he crawls around the room, pulling books from the bottom shelf one at a time. It's as if he's asking, "And what's this Mommy?" As he flips the pages and crinkles the words he isn't able to read yet.

This passion in his eyes. Passion I recognize from my own heart, being played out in a child that looks like his father but acts so much like his mother. His Daddy worries that he's too hyper ... this makes me laugh. Apparently the husband never noticed how curious his wife can be!

I can't wait to take him more places to explore. This weekend we went to a small community (Winter Park) in downtown Orlando. He loved it. I wore him in my wrap and people smiled and waved and talked to him. He's loves being on the same level. The stroller is nice, but when it's just us walking around I love the feel of him heavy on my back and shoulders, reminds me of the long nine months I spent carrying him just so that he could arrive and I could carry him some more. It's been nine more months since the day he was born and I'd carry him forever if I could.

But, he is growing and won't stop. He's standing now and letting go just long enough to know that he can. Walking is not far away now. I can see it in those eyes. Just one step Mommy. Then one more. Until the day will come when the curiosity will win and those two steps will turn to five, ten, until he's off ... pulling the books from the top shelf down to explore the pages that before long he won't need me to read to him.

All You Need is Love (Jude @ 8 Months)

"There's nothing you can do that can't be done. Nothing you can sing that can't be sung. Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game It's easy. There's nothing you can make that can't be made. No one you can save that can't be saved. Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time - It's easy." All You Need is Love -- The Beatles

His smile is contagious! Every time I look at him he's grinning ear to ear. I stop, stare for a minute ... he starts to laugh. This is the joy of my baby boy. This is the one who makes my world go 'round. Maybe I've made some mistakes in the past, worked too long of hours at work, didn't prioritize enough to get home before his bedtime ... but he doesn't care. He just smiles and smiles and smiles. Because Mommy is home.

He reaches for me now, when he's smiling and when he's crying. It's such a weird feeling, this feeling of being needed, wanted, by someone so small and so precious. His love stretching out in little arms and little waving fingers as he stares up at me with blue eyes as deep as the ocean that I haven't had the chance to take him to yet.

He's growing like a weed, I can't keep up with him. One minute he rolls over, the next he's crawling. He stops and sits and claps for himself, because Mommy and Daddy have taught him that he has done good. He is good.

I can't imagine a day without him. I cry sometimes because I don't want to leave him. He is mine. It is no doubt that I am his.

I am Mommy, Mama, Mom, one day he'll learn that I am also wife, daughter, aunt, sister, manager, Mary.

But today, when I go to pick him up, I will be Mommy and I will be rewarded with a smile.

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da -- Happy New Year!

"In a couple of years they have built a home sweet home, With a couple of kids running in the yard, Of Desmond and Molly Jones ... Happy ever after in the market place ... Molly lets the children lend a hand ... Desmond stays at home and does his pretty face ... And in the evening she's a singer with the band ... Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on, brah! ... Lala how the life goes on ... Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on, brah! ... Lala how the life goes on."

I know I haven't blogged in a while but hopefully this video will recap the past few months! We have had such an amazing year and I am so thankful for all the gifts God has blessed us with in 2010! Here's to an amazing 2011! (I'll try to do better at updating in this next year!)

2010 from Martin Downey on Vimeo.

Little Help From My Friends

Take Good Care of My Baby (or Jude @ 12 weeks)

"Take good care of my baby, be just as kind as you can be!"
-- Take Good Care of My Baby, The Beatles

So, after 12 wonderful weeks home with my baby I went back to work on Monday. Boy! Was that hard! After finishing college and all that good stuff I didn't think I would ever want to be a stay at home Mom, but really I think I could do it. Too bad our budget would never allow that, so I'll just keep plugging away (thankfully I enjoy my job so it's not totally bad!)

I've got a great schedule that seems to be working out, I will get to spend Fridays with Jude so that's pretty amazing. I'm also able to leave for lunch and visit him at the babysitters (which is a GREAT friend of mine who is doing a wonderful job with him). This works out well because I, at least, get to nurse him once during the day so that keeps him and my supply happy. I know that I couldn't be more lucky with this arrangement and I realize that it's a blessing. But to do this I am pulling 10 hour days at work (with the lunch break) which makes me very tired. It also means that I have to be UP at 5 a.m., which I am not that much of a morning person! It also means that Jude has to get up early too, which means he sleeps more at night which is good, but also bad because I'm not getting to spend very much play time with him. I'm hoping that having the Fridays with him will make up for that though.

I am tired though! I hope that my body will get used to this new routine and I will be able to handle it as the weeks go on. But the good news is I have a few vacations coming up so those will be fun to anticipate and look forward to.

Development wise, Jude is doing really really well! He is growing stronger and stronger, he likes tummy time most of the time and is ALREADY trying to get up on his knees, way too soon if you ask me! He also enjoys staring at himself in the mirror, and playing with his Daddy. He busts the biggest smiles now and any day now I know he will be laughing (he's trying really hard!) He also squeals and coos when playing (which you might have seen on the video!) On the breastfeeding front things have been going very well. We have finally gotten all that under control and though I still count it as one of the hardest things I've ever had to figure out how to do, I'm glad that I did! We have a doctor's appointment next week and as always I'm nervous about his weight. But, I know it will be all right!

As for me I've been trying to get some of this pregnancy weight off (and pre-pregnancy weight!) and have been doing Weight Watchers. I love the WW plan because it has a special plan for nursing mothers. I've lost about 5 lbs, not too shabby but I need to get off much much more!

On the picture front there are some July photos here, but nothing too recent. I'll get on taking some more photos in the next few weeks and posting. Also our friend Rose is going to do family photos for us soon, so I'm REALLY looking forward to that!

My Little Sleeping Angel!

One of our first smiles (July 27, 2010)

In his fourth of July gear!

Jude LOVES his playgym!

He also loves playing "patty-cake" with Daddy

And looking at himself in mirrors! :)

Another playgym, I love to watch him stare down the rocket and then hit it!

My pretty blue-eyed boy!

Lady Madonna (On Breastfeeding)

"Lady Madonna, baby at your breast, Wonders how you manage to feed the rest!" -- The Beatles

This is one of those posts that if you aren't into TMI, I'd stop reading now. It's all about breastfeeding and the ups and downs that come along with it. First all, I don't care what the La Leache league says, breastfeeding is hard (not that they don't acknowledge that, it's just you don't hear it enough). Now, there may be women out there who had it easy but for Jude and I it has been one thing after another. However, I REALLY wanted to breastfeed my kid so even though it's not easy I've been working really hard to make it happen. I don't even know where to begin. But I somehow wanted to blog about this because it's been such a huge deal for us to get through (and we aren't through it all yet!).

I realize that Jude and I had some upsets at the beginning, he lost weight, we had to do formula for a while, then he didn't gain enough still and then I had to do MORE formula and each time I was on the urge of just quitting. But, I was still making BM so I didn't want to stop because I felt like, "If I'm making it, he should be getting it." I've had long talks with my doctor, I've cried to my husband, and I spent $150 on a Lactation Consultant to reteach me how to breastfeed my kid. Can I say that it's worth it? I don't know yet.

People are SO passionate about breastfeeding. Last weekend I took Jude out with us to Macaroni Grill and went to change him in the bathroom. As I was wiping my kid's butt some random woman comes up to me and asks if I'm breastfeeding. This is when I was doing formula with Jude because we were still working on weight gain and so I said, "We are working on it." Then this random woman, without knowing jack about my situation informs me that "You should breastfeed, even if it hurts." Okay, problem #1 with this statement -- Breastfeeding shouldn't hurt. If it hurts you are doing something wrong. Problem #2 with this statement -- Who the hell are you to tell me what to do with my child? Are you my pediatrician, are you his mother? If I want to give my kid formula then that's my decision, and really none of your business what I do. Even though I am pro breastfeeding I would NEVER inform a random stranger what they should do with their kid. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It was almost enough to make me NOT try breastfeeding again after I got the go-ahead from my doctor to do so.

Here's something else about breastfeeding. It's time consuming. Let me tell you, making a bottle is so much easier for several reasons. Reason #1 -- it takes two minutes to make a bottle, for me to breastfeed it's a big production, I have to get the boppy ready, I need to get the nipple shield (which helps me breastfeed Jude because my breasts are a bit "inefficient"), I have to get Jude positioned just right and then constantly keep him awake to get him to nurse for 30 minutes on each side. With a bottle he can have it down in about 15 minutes (3 ozs no less, with me it takes almost an hour to get 2 ozs in him!) Reason #2 -- You know how much your kid is eating. Because I am so paranoid about Jude's intake I worry about how much he eats when bf-ing. Currently I have rented a scale from my lactation consultant that I can weigh him before and after so that I can be sure he's had enough. But, I have to give that scale back tomorrow and I'm a bit nervous about it because I'm SO scared he will lose weight again. I don't trust my instincts as much when it comes to nursing, so the bottle calms my nerves a bit. Reason #3 -- Pumping is time consuming too. Not only do you have to nurse but afterwards it's good to pump for 10 minutes, or if I chose to give Jude a bottle of expressed milk, I have to pump to make up for the lack of nursing session and keep my supply up.

Now, I don't want to discourage anyone out there to not breastfeed. I'm still doing it even though it overwhelms me because I feel like it's the right thing to do for my kid. However, I don't think people are completely honest about the challenges of breastfeeding when you read about it in books and on the internet. Everyone makes it seem like everything will just come naturally and you and your kid will be totally satisfied. This IS not the case for everyone. I think it's good for people to know that breastfeeding can come with all kinds of problems. Problems they don't tell you about in the books, problems they don't talk about on the internet unless you REALLY search for it. However, I have found one place of support, Kellymom.com. This site has been amazing on resources for breastfeeding and all the problems that can come along.

I know this is a decision that is deeply personal with each mother and breast or bottle, every kid is going to grow up just fine! I think sometimes we forget that when reading all this stuff and talking to others. I'm not going to judge anyone for not breastfeeding their kid. And, I'm going to be jealous of those mothers that breastfeeding came easy to, trust me it doesn't work like that for everyone! I wanted to breastfeed, and with A LOT of work, I have been able to do so. But, did I give my kid 2 ozs of formula last night because he was fussy and I was stressed and scared? YES! Am I ashamed of that decision? NO! If anything, with this blog post I just want people to feel supported if they are struggling with breastfeeding and to let them know that you are not alone! I have felt so alone in this process because there were very few people who understood what I was going through. Thankfully I have a core group of friends that I was able to share these feelings with and knew it was a "no judgment zone!" I needed that and I thank them for reading my weepy e-mails and listening to me cry over the phone! My husband has been super supportive, even though I think he feels going to formula would be easier, he understands this is important to me so he has worked really hard to support me.

So, there's my rant about breastfeeding. I'm going for it! It's not easy, and I'm not even sure at this point if I can tell you if it's worth it or not. But, it's what feels right for us right now ... who knows what tomorrow will bring! :)

Now some photos from the past few weeks!

Bath time!

"I'm thinking ..."

Jude's first visit to Home Depot

Landon (Annie A's little one, and Jude)

Chillin' on the Boppy.

My boys hanging out for tummy time.

More tummy time!

Of course! :)

I love hugs!

A Day in a Life -- Photo Shoot

Before Mom went home we had her help us do a quick photo shoot with Jude. Overall we took 125 photos, these are the ones I liked the best.