Ugh!— 23 + 2 Days

So, I have said that I wasn't going to post too many negative things on the blog regarding pregnancy. But, after talking with a couple of friends I have been convinced that I'm not exactly being honest if I leave out the bad parts right?

So tonight I am being honest. Being pregnant is not the most wonderful feeling on the Earth! I am tired all the time, my emotions range from happy to sad to pissed in less than a five minute time span, and at the present moment I just feel completely unhappy with the world. I feel fat, my face is broke-out, my hair constantly looks greasy, and I really just want to break something. I know part of this has to do with the fact that I had a pretty stressful week, on top of my work schedule I had a meeting every single night, and I am working tomorrow. I'm upset right now because I really wanted to go out to eat tonight and Martin pretty much shot that down because he's on a diet. Which, I think it's great that he's trying to get healthy before the baby, but it sure doesn't make life easier as a pregnant woman. I rarely want to go out and the one night that I actually felt like going out on a relaxing date, I just felt completely shot down. I highly doubt this was my husband's intention, but that's all I can hear in my crazy hormonal head. I'm just overwhelmed right now, and I'm disappointed that I couldn't have a "I feel great" pregnancy. I know those exist, I know women who felt pretty darn good during their pregnancies and can't wait to get pregnant again ... I just feel like I'm stuck in "no fun land."

I don't want to sound like a total drag, so I'll try to stop venting. In happy news my kid kicks all the time now, but I'm even a little frustrated with that because he is SUPER active. Sometimes I double over from the kick, I think he must be taking kickboxing in there or something. Don't get me wrong, it's pretty darn cool. But it also keeps me from getting comfortable or even sleeping and that's hard. Last night I actually got 6 hours of sleep and I was proud of that ... Didn't I hear somewhere that pregnant women need 9-12 hours ... not likely!

So there, the downsides of pregnancy. I feel alone. I feel overwhelmed. I'm hungry but don't want to eat. I would like to cry about it, then I just feel guilty because I'm not supposed to feel this way! It makes me think crazy things, like that I would like to quit my job and be a stay at home mom, which, if you know me at all, is not something that I could ever imagine myself being happy doing (No offense to all those SAHM's out there, you rock and I'm glad it works for you, but I know myself, and I know I wouldn't be good at it). I think some of that feeling is simply because I learned child-care is going to be super expensive and that's pretty stressful.

Isn't it fun to hear what's in the crazy fat pregnant lady's head?

My New Year's Initiative — 18 Weeks, + 6 days

see more Funny Graphs

It's a new year and most people spend this time reflecting on their past year and trying to decide what they are going to do better or differently in the new year. Most folks call this their "New Year's Resolution." They RESOLVE that they will make a change, that from that moment on they will lose weight, or exercise more, or stop smoking ... they make a statement. I don't believe in Resolutions. I think they are a lot of talk and no action. I can sit on my comfy couch and announce to the world that I will be thin, healthy, and athletic, but until I get up and DO something, I am just blowing hot air.

That's why this year I have instituted what I am calling my "New Year's Initiative." An initiative is a little different from a resolution because it requires more than just the first step, it is more than just making a statement or decision, it involves the second step ... actual follow-through. So, instead of resolving to do something, I've gone ahead and just did it.

In a little over 20 weeks (give or take) our baby will be here. It will be new and different and exciting ... but it will also be scary. The baby will demand more time of me than I have to offer, and I will have to oblige, because the baby comes first. So, this year I am taking steps to be more efficient, by carving out my time very carefully. I love my job, but when the choice comes between working or going home to be with my husband, I will choose home. I realize that I will not always have a choice, sometimes work can be like that, but on the days when I make the decision to stay or go ... I go. This applies to school too. I am not taking any courses that aren't required of me, even though I want to take the Technology and Ministry course because I know it will be super easy and it will pad my GPA (I have to make a blog as my final project ... um, yeah). I will not sign up for it, because that's wasted time away from my family. So what if I won't have an amazing GPA when I graduate, I'll have a pretty decent one (still Cum Laude I hope) and would have spent more time with my husband perfecting our marriage, which seems a little more important to me than the sticker on my degree.

Finally, I'm doing more things for me. I will visit the library once a week (and have been) and check out at least two or three cheesy quick read novels or intense nonfiction book to read. I can usually get through one of those in a night or two, and it's important for me to read. I love to read, and I deserve to read more than just my homework books. Carving time out for me will make me a better wife and mother, and I need to do a good job of teaching myself that now. I will not work myself into the ground and then come home and try to be superwoman. If there is anything that being pregnant has taught me it's that I can't "do it all." What's surprising is that I'm okay with that. I know there are plenty of feminists out there shaking their fist and declaring me a traitor for that statement, but really what woman do you know who truly does it all? I still plan to work full-time, I still plan to be a mother to my child, I still plan to be ordained and become a "woman preacher." I think I'm okay with the feminist movement here, but what I'm saying is that I have a choice of where I set my boundaries, and at the end of the day my choice will always be with my family. My husband, my child, my health, comes before anything else on my agenda, and that will be my focus for not only 2010, but for the rest of my life.

I am not ashamed to say that I have stepped back and evaluated and have decided that my needs and my family's needs come before everything else. It's a growth process, and I had to learn how much I could give, before I could learn how much I could take back. So, that's my initiative, to evaluate each circumstance and ask myself, "who benefits from this decision, and what are the pros/cons of making this choice?"

I hope that each one of you will have a prosperous new year and will also take a look at your own lives. What can you cut back, move around, make better so that you can give your time and energy to whatever it is that makes you the most happy?

Upcoming Blogs:

Will Baby Downey give us a peep show? Find out on 1/18/09!

The Love Dare — Martin and I received it as a gift. I have my opinions on it already but I'm trying to give it a fair shake for the sake of the great friend who got it for us!

The Weekend is my Enemy

I've been on the wagon now for two weeks. That's right, I'm in a 12-step program ... for food. I'm back on Weight Watchers again after a short break from the "dieting" scene. Back in June, I decided that I wasn't going to worry too much about my weight. I figured, hey, I'm going to be pregnant soon, so no need to be watching my weight. I thought that I could just blame any weight gain on my baby bump, and not my eating habits.

Guess what happens when you take on this mindset and don't get pregnant? You gain 15 pounds. That's right, 15. I already weighed more than I would like, but I didn't figure I would gain that much, especially since I was going to be all fat and pregnant. Well, thanks to my overactive cycle and under-active metabolism I am neither pregnant nor skinny. I am now 45 pounds overweight.

So, once I realized that this baby thing wasn't going to go the way I wanted, I decided I better at least get these extra 15 pounds off before 200 starts staring at me from the scale. So, I've changed my habits yet again. I am dedicated to exercising at least 20 minutes a day for five days a week, eating within my weight watchers points, and taking care of myself by writing, reading, and relaxing in my down-time. All of this can tend to be a bit difficult with a busy work schedule, but I'm at the point where I'm over it. And that's usually the point where I become the most successful.

It's interesting that other things in my life seem to go so well for me. Career wise I'm right where I want to be (tomorrow marks one year at my AMAZING job, and it came with a new title and promotion, Deputy Director), I enjoy freelance writing for the Florida UMC conference, and ordination is moving at a steady pace. Marriage wise I couldn't be more blessed. My husband is caring, supportive, and loving, I'm lucky to have him. But, with all the good things, I just can't seem to get "healthy" with myself. I find that the weekends are my worst enemy. All week I count points and do really well, but when Friday night gets here, I loose the obsession and eat whatever I like. This attitude continues on Saturday and by Sunday I am disgusted with myself. Lucky for me I didn't give up last week when I fell in the weekend trap (I lost 3 lbs) and I was able to get back on track this week (weigh day is tomorrow). But, I would do so much better on my weight loss and exercise if I wouldn't let Friday and Saturday get in my way.

So, my goal this week is to be READY for Friday. I will write down everything I put into my body over the weekend, I know I can do this because I do it all week. I will continue my morning prayer and Bible time, I will continue exercising and I hope to do a practice 10k this weekend.

I'm back on the wagon ... let's hope I don't fall of. If I do, just go ahead and let it run over me please.