This is a letter for the SheLoves synchroblog. Read it, and maybe write your own too?
"I give her all my love. That's all I do. And if you saw my love. You'd love her too. I love her" - - The Beatles
Dear
Body –
Let’s
just put this out there right now. I’ve never really liked you. I remember you
at 9 or 10, following in the footsteps of big sisters with big sister bodies … and
you didn’t look like them.
Then,
when 11 hit and you started the path to womanhood, even then, I did not like
you. I felt like you’d stolen my childhood … pushed me into responsibility that
I wasn’t ready for yet.
Then
at 15, when the weight started to creep on, I ran laps around the band practice
field, twirled the baton to the beat of the drum, and somehow kept the fat from
collecting on my hips and thighs.
But
at 21 … when I got married. I wasn’t skinny. I wanted to be … but I never could
make the diets and fads work. Sure, I’d lost a few pounds, but you were
stubborn and, let's be honest, I really didn’t want to work hard.
Then
at 26, I wanted to get pregnant. I thought with my large hips and curvy build
that birthing babies would be what my body was made for … by 28 you still hadn’t
come through for me. With the advances of modern medicine you finally let me
give birth … but not the “natural” way.
But,
still. When I haven't liked you ... I have wanted to love you. Even though we’ve had a hard go at it. I want to look in
the mirror and respect you for the half marathon you got me through. For the
high-risk pregnancy that finally delivered a baby boy. I want to admire you for
the hourglass shape that you have. I want to embrace the curves and the
softness.
And,
I do have to thank you for the places you did not fail me. You let me nourish
my son with the milk that could have possibly saved his life. When my husband
looks at you .. he desires you … so you must have done something right.
Do
I love you body? I’m not sure yet. But I do know this. You were wonderfully and fearfully made. I believe, you possess somewhere in you, the image of the almighty God. And if I love God, then I must love you. For to know you, should be to know God. For, when God created us, male & female, God created us, he created YOU. God spun a tale of history in your calloused hands and your big calves. God looks at you, oh body, and delights, God says, "It is good."
If I give God all my love, then I must give you, my body, some of my love too. So, I will love you, not because you are perfect, but because God is perfect ... Yes, it's true, I may not have liked you ... but I'm going to do my best to love you.
I'm in love for the first time. Don't you know it's gonna last. It's a love that lasts forever, It's a love that has no past. Don't let me down, don't let me down. -- Don't Let Me Down, The Beatles
I had no idea before I met you how much of a "crunchy" Mom I'd be. Before I knew you were on the way I knew nothing of slings and cloth diapers and breastfeeding. I just knew that I couldn't wait to be your Mom.
But, the minute I saw you I knew I couldn't put you down. So, when Dr. Sears said, "Wear your Baby," I decided that I wanted to do just that. I got a bright orange Moby Wrap and learned how to manipulate the fabric so that I could hold you close. Fittingly enough it was called the "kangaroo hold" and it made a little pouch for your sweet little bottom to snuggle into. It was so special.
And, as you grew, I realized that I loved having you close at hand while I worked from home (or in the office) and I learned how to move you around so that if you were hungry I could nurse you and still get things done as a full-time mom and a full-time working mom. I bought a couple other carriers, the ring sling, a front-carrier, all to carry you around!
Mom & Jude @ Disney World 2011
Jude and Dad @ Uptown Charlotte, 2011
Jude's Dad and I both learned that taking a baby carrier to the theme parks was a lot easier for standing in line than the stroller, so we would wear you around Disney World and Seaworld and Universal, you became a theme park world traveler.
Then you got bigger, and I didn't know what to do. I researched, do I have to let you down now? But, I found a carrier called the Ergo that goes up to 45 lbs and I thought, well, why not try it out. And you still LOVE it. I didn't know how you would feel riding around on my back as we walked along the streets of downtown on vacation, but I knew you were loving it when I turned you around and you fell right asleep!
Uptown Charlotte 2011
I love wearing you around and I'm going to be really sad when the day finally comes that you want to be even more independent and don't want Mommy to hold you close.
But, till that day comes, I've got you wrapped up in my arms for as long as I can and for now, my sweet Jude, I won't let you down.
Same spot as last year on vacation in Charlotte. My how you have changed!
"Lady Madonna, baby at your breast, Wonders how you manage to feed the rest!" -- The Beatles
This is one of those posts that if you aren't into TMI, I'd stop reading now. It's all about breastfeeding and the ups and downs that come along with it. First all, I don't care what the La Leache league says, breastfeeding is hard (not that they don't acknowledge that, it's just you don't hear it enough). Now, there may be women out there who had it easy but for Jude and I it has been one thing after another. However, I REALLY wanted to breastfeed my kid so even though it's not easy I've been working really hard to make it happen. I don't even know where to begin. But I somehow wanted to blog about this because it's been such a huge deal for us to get through (and we aren't through it all yet!).
I realize that Jude and I had some upsets at the beginning, he lost weight, we had to do formula for a while, then he didn't gain enough still and then I had to do MORE formula and each time I was on the urge of just quitting. But, I was still making BM so I didn't want to stop because I felt like, "If I'm making it, he should be getting it." I've had long talks with my doctor, I've cried to my husband, and I spent $150 on a Lactation Consultant to reteach me how to breastfeed my kid. Can I say that it's worth it? I don't know yet.
People are SO passionate about breastfeeding. Last weekend I took Jude out with us to Macaroni Grill and went to change him in the bathroom. As I was wiping my kid's butt some random woman comes up to me and asks if I'm breastfeeding. This is when I was doing formula with Jude because we were still working on weight gain and so I said, "We are working on it." Then this random woman, without knowing jack about my situation informs me that "You should breastfeed, even if it hurts." Okay, problem #1 with this statement -- Breastfeeding shouldn't hurt. If it hurts you are doing something wrong. Problem #2 with this statement -- Who the hell are you to tell me what to do with my child? Are you my pediatrician, are you his mother? If I want to give my kid formula then that's my decision, and really none of your business what I do. Even though I am pro breastfeeding I would NEVER inform a random stranger what they should do with their kid. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It was almost enough to make me NOT try breastfeeding again after I got the go-ahead from my doctor to do so.
Here's something else about breastfeeding. It's time consuming. Let me tell you, making a bottle is so much easier for several reasons. Reason #1 -- it takes two minutes to make a bottle, for me to breastfeed it's a big production, I have to get the boppy ready, I need to get the nipple shield (which helps me breastfeed Jude because my breasts are a bit "inefficient"), I have to get Jude positioned just right and then constantly keep him awake to get him to nurse for 30 minutes on each side. With a bottle he can have it down in about 15 minutes (3 ozs no less, with me it takes almost an hour to get 2 ozs in him!) Reason #2 -- You know how much your kid is eating. Because I am so paranoid about Jude's intake I worry about how much he eats when bf-ing. Currently I have rented a scale from my lactation consultant that I can weigh him before and after so that I can be sure he's had enough. But, I have to give that scale back tomorrow and I'm a bit nervous about it because I'm SO scared he will lose weight again. I don't trust my instincts as much when it comes to nursing, so the bottle calms my nerves a bit. Reason #3 -- Pumping is time consuming too. Not only do you have to nurse but afterwards it's good to pump for 10 minutes, or if I chose to give Jude a bottle of expressed milk, I have to pump to make up for the lack of nursing session and keep my supply up.
Now, I don't want to discourage anyone out there to not breastfeed. I'm still doing it even though it overwhelms me because I feel like it's the right thing to do for my kid. However, I don't think people are completely honest about the challenges of breastfeeding when you read about it in books and on the internet. Everyone makes it seem like everything will just come naturally and you and your kid will be totally satisfied. This IS not the case for everyone. I think it's good for people to know that breastfeeding can come with all kinds of problems. Problems they don't tell you about in the books, problems they don't talk about on the internet unless you REALLY search for it. However, I have found one place of support, Kellymom.com. This site has been amazing on resources for breastfeeding and all the problems that can come along.
I know this is a decision that is deeply personal with each mother and breast or bottle, every kid is going to grow up just fine! I think sometimes we forget that when reading all this stuff and talking to others. I'm not going to judge anyone for not breastfeeding their kid. And, I'm going to be jealous of those mothers that breastfeeding came easy to, trust me it doesn't work like that for everyone! I wanted to breastfeed, and with A LOT of work, I have been able to do so. But, did I give my kid 2 ozs of formula last night because he was fussy and I was stressed and scared? YES! Am I ashamed of that decision? NO! If anything, with this blog post I just want people to feel supported if they are struggling with breastfeeding and to let them know that you are not alone! I have felt so alone in this process because there were very few people who understood what I was going through. Thankfully I have a core group of friends that I was able to share these feelings with and knew it was a "no judgment zone!" I needed that and I thank them for reading my weepy e-mails and listening to me cry over the phone! My husband has been super supportive, even though I think he feels going to formula would be easier, he understands this is important to me so he has worked really hard to support me.
So, there's my rant about breastfeeding. I'm going for it! It's not easy, and I'm not even sure at this point if I can tell you if it's worth it or not. But, it's what feels right for us right now ... who knows what tomorrow will bring! :)
This is a letter for the SheLoves synchroblog. Read it, and maybe write your own too?
